Thursday, November 10, 2005

Living with me...

From the outside, I may look normal, but on the inside, im screaming. I suffer from bi polar disorder. Often, people do not realize all that makes up this disorder. People who are not educated on the disorder say that its all in your head, or its overly dignosed, or you can contorl it. The over dignosis of this may be true, and your right it IS in my head and it effects my entire body and those around me and NO I am unable to control it. I have rapid cycling bi polar which means my moods can switch weekly, even daily or worse yet, hourly. I dont think those around me fully understand this disorder and that "MOST" people can be treated. That leaves those other whatever percent that can not be treated. I am not sure which I fall under, because I have not been on every drug avalible to treat this. I know a few things that "trigger" my mania or my decent into depression... 1) scheduling changes, or falling out of my routine due to severe depression, 2) changes in my life, 3) other peoples attitudes or even comments towards me. Those are just a few.

Im writing this in hopes it will enlighten people and maybe help others understand what I go through on a daily basis.

Some days are good (normal), most are bad lately (depression), but others are too good (mania). I am hardly at the "normal" level. Sometimes, I will go out and spend money just because. I dont know why, because I know we are on an extremly tight budget, but I just do it anyways. Then I sit and regret it for days, sending me into depression, causing my daily routines to go to hell, then causing worse depression. It sounds easy to change to someone who is NOT bi polar. I know, just dont spend money, and stick to your daily routines... WELL DUH. If only it were that easy! I try very hard to stick to my routines, because it benifits my children.

I would LOVE to get a house some day, and I hate that I have to completly rely on my husband for financial support because I have a hard time holding a job. If my schedule at work changes, it throws me off, and down I go into depression. Some times being around people, sends me into mania, and neither are good in a work enviornment. I would love to have a normal life. I hate looking around at other people who (appear to be) are normal. They lead normal lives. I wish I could have a normal life.

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