Wednesday, April 25, 2007


The kids have been fighting a cold for a couple of weeks now. I just started feeling crappy Monday and Tuesday morning, but last night I started to really feel ill. Then today has been miserable. I did manage to clean the kitchen, but I think thats all your gonna get out of me today. I do not like colds! Course I would rather have a cold then the pukes, so I guess I'll deal with this.

Monday, April 23, 2007

blah blah blah... another! heh

brush by Jason Gaylor

OMG NO WAY! Its another wallpaper!

brush by Jason Gaylor

yet... another... wallpaper!

brush by Jason Gaylor


again... brush by Jason Gaylor

wallpaper by me?

of course, I used a brush by Jason Gaylor! Thanks !

Friday, April 20, 2007

So much to say So few words

Why does Earth Day only last one day?

Ive got no pants!

My husband has two pairs of work pants. One has holes beyond repair. Today I got him a second pair of heavy duty work jeans. I hope they fit, and hes happy having two pair now! I also got him a sweatshirt jacket on clearance. He likes wearing things with hoods so he doesn't get paint and hydraulic fluid in his hair. I don't blame him, I would want a hood too!

So now hes got PANTS!

Flowers & a Cat

I got some flower seeds today along with a easy planter thing. All you have to do is add seeds & water, and they will grow, then you plant them. Well the seeds I got were perennials instead of annuals. I think I need annuals for the planter thing. So Zoe and I dug up the ground on the other side of the garage (theres already a flower bed back there with other perennials) and put them in the ground. Now it needs to rain, because I do not have enough money to buy a hose, and your supposed to keep the ground wet for the first couple of weeks. LOL

The other day when I was outside in back doing some yard work, I took a break. I was sitting on the swing and I heard this noise like something was trying to get out of something. I finally noticed that the noise was coming from my neighbors garage. It was a CAT! When he came outside with his black lab, Shadow, I showed him the cat. He was like OMG! The wind blew open the door a while ago, and he closed the door a month ago without opening it since. When he opened the door, a cat popped out, and was very happy to see someone, anyone, to free her. Or at least we think its a she. The kids named her Fluffy, but before the neighbors friend knew, she named the cat Cali. We fed and gave the cat some water, and now she is our friend. Shes sticking around I guess.

We had another outdoor cat a while back, I named him Tom. The neighbor (on the other side) threw him out because he was peeing on things. Well hes a male cat, and not fixed, so its kind of the owners own fault. He stuck around for a while, but being a male cat, he soon expanded his territory away from our porch. I have not seen Tom in a while now.

So theres my flower & cat story!

Thursday, April 19, 2007


So not only have I not done my "pic of the day" yet, I seemed to forgot to blog yesterday.

My husband took me and the girls out to eat the other night to Pizza Ranch. It was so nice doing something as a family outside of the house! We did it together, we got in the car and went. We got there and helped each other by getting plates of food or sodas or other drinks for one another. We functioned as a family, with well behaved children. Instead of driving straight home, Tony drove around a bit. It was nice to just be out with my family and not going home right away.

We bought Caitlin a picnic basket for her birthday. I think we may just have to have a picnic on Saturday! *looks at foxcast* Ooo! 79F !! *puts picnic food on grocery list*

Tomorrow is Friday, I go grocery shopping right away after I drop Caitlin off at school. I feel better when I accomplish things right away in the morning. I really do not like to go home, get out of the car, get Zoe out of the car, go inside, take off coats and shoes, just to later have to get ready to leave all over again. Its so easy to just GO after dropping Caitlin off at school!

Ive been making several new digi kits! I can not wait to put them up in my store! I am having a blast coming up with new things, and ideas! This is one of the kits I made several kits ago!!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


So yesterday I decided that I needed to start taking at least ONE picture everyday. Today is day two and I already forgot. I suppose I COULD take one now, but it would be... too forced?

Today was pretty boring. I did one load of laundry, and the dishwasher did one load of dishes. I wanted to do more laundry but I guess I was too damn lazy. I wanted to do some scrapbooking, REAL scrapbooking, but never made it. I was thinking of claiming Tuesdays as "my night" for doing stuff, such as scrapbooking, stamping, or whatever as long as its in my craft room, but again too tired & lazy to do that too.

I also wanted to scrape more of the pillar out front, but considering my "chemical resistant" spray bottle died, and the other ones I have I am scared to use with the paint stripper. Also, I have two "popped" blisters and some small cuts on my hands from doing yard work the other day, I worry that some of the chemicals may spill into the gloves. Thats not really something I would like to experience!

Lots of wants... and for a first, all of them, well except the spray bottle do not include $$$ . That should make my husband happy! LOL

Ok enough rambling...

Monday, April 16, 2007

Whine for breakfast

Dunno why she was so cranky... but I snapped a few pictures and then she was happy!


I took a simple quiz on dogs, and I got a 100%! WOOT!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

yard work

I was outside most of the afternoon doing yard work! Me doing yard work!! I want a pretty yard :D

Friday, April 13, 2007

Returning phone calls...

So I called again today, and the other nurse called me back within a half hour. She said she would ask the doctor what to do and would call me whether or not he was in the office. With in ten minutes of that, she called to tell me that they called Walgreen's and had my effexor doubled in dosage. :D I hope this works...


So my day was pretty uneventful until later in the afternoon. In the morning, I took Caitlin to school, came home, took a nap, woke up and decided Zoe, Zeus and I would go get lunch and eat it at the park. We went and got Mc Donald's (except Zeus), then drove to East Park. We sat in one of the covered picnic areas, which was a horrible idea, because it was not very warm in the shade.

After we ate our lunch, we went to watch the geese & ducks. While we were there, a KIMT news truck pulled up. A few minutes later, I was asked "Can I have a few moments of your time?" Um Sure? LOL

Apparently they have problems in the park at night and the cops are too busy or not enough to cover all of the ginormous park. So a year ago, they started a thing where volunteers patrol the park and call the cops if something "suspicious" is going on. Of course last night, a car did some damage to a bush and the grass.

He asked me questions like "why do you think someone would vandalize a park?" "how do you feel about people volunteering to watch the park?" ... stuff like that...

He also filmed a bit of Zoe playing and walking around with her stick.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Not returning phone calls

Ugh. I called my Dr, and had to leave a message for his nurse. I made this call in the morning on Wednesday. Last time I checked, it is now Thursday, after five, and no return phone call. Its a good thing that I am only mildly depressed to the state of not wanting to do anything but sleep. I have no energy and no appetite. I just want them to raise or change my medications. Thats all I want. A return phone call would be very nice.

(and I did leave a detailed message about this, stating my name and phone number FIRST in case my message was too long)

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Ugh I am so done with winter weather, yet we are getting more snow. This sucks!

Well I can not keep these patch cushion things on my foot! They keep falling off! Waterproof, yet not sticky enough to stay put... Foot still hurts... Doesn't seem to matter if I am barefoot, or wearing socks, which I have come to hate.

I tried really hard not to nap today, and now looking back on it, I don't think I did. I got tired, so I got up and did some cleaning, and some "house stuff". Our house is a never ending project! Some day it will be done, then I will be bored! LOL

All in all, a boring day ...

Monday, April 09, 2007


So a month after my foot started hurting, I went to the doctor. He says I have a planters wart on my foot, and it happens to be on a pressure point, and that is causing my severe pain! LOL He gave me three options, 1) freezing it off, 2) scratching it and putting some acid stuff on it, 3) over the counter wart removal and a pad to go around it so I am not putting so much pressure on it! Ya... I chose number 3 even though he said it COULD take up to six months, but at any time I still have the option to change my mind and have one of the other two done.

So I have had this "padded medicated" thing on my foot for a few minutes, and it feels better when I walk, but kinda burns with the medicine! Is it supposed to burn??


I am very tired lately. I don't know why, its not like I do a lot. I have been sleeping most of the day and night. Friday, I got up to take Caitlin to school, then came home and snoozed on the couch till almost noon. Luckily, Zoe didn't get into much. Although, she did have something brown on her face, and I later found out it was pudding mix. Saturday, I got up to give the kids breakfast, and went to snooze again on the couch till noon. Then hubby got up, and I snoozed another couple of hours. Sunday, again, after feeding the kids breakfast I snoozed. Today, I snoozed till almost noon.

Why am I so tired? I did decide to put my effexor back into my mornings, in case that had something to do with it. Its been over a week since I started taking it at night (so I remember to take it) but I guess, as they said, it is a "morning med".

I need to get out of my morning sleepy slump. I like doing stuff in the mornings, like grocery shop, clean, get organized, that sort of thing, because it makes me feel good. It feels wonderful having everything done before noon! But I am not getting ANYTHING done because I have been sleeping!

Then there is Zoe. She can not ask for ANYTHING with out whining. Its driving me crazy, and I don't know what to do about it. When ever I ask her to do anything, she says "NO!" and goes running off. I have tried to catch her, and make her do what I asked. That hasn't helped either. She can not start "headstart" this fall because she will still be three in September. There has to be SOMETHING I can do with her, some where she can go, to help me and her with this issue. Do not tell me about parenting classes, because I will not go. That would mean I would have to be around a group of people. No.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


How ironic is it that the same day I receive a letter of denial from my life insurance company because my depression concerns them so they will not cover me, that I get a letter from SS Disability saying that my depression and mental illness is not severe enough to consider me as mentally disabled.

Neither of these two live with me. Life with me is hell. They do not live inside my head. Yes my depression is real, so is my anxiety, and bi polar. I have to live with me. I have to listen to my annoying self. I have to live with the things I think and do. For one day, I would like them to live in my "shoes". I want them to feel what I feel, think what I think, do what I do, to live as I do.

I suffer from depression on a daily basis even on medication. I fight with myself to be happy for what I have, my husband, children, and other things. I want to be happy. I want to do things like normal people do. I want to be the best mom I can be. I try, but I know I lack things here and there, but I try. Sometimes being me, I do not try. I want to try all the time. I live in a constant state of low grade depression. If my children did not wake me up in the morning to tell me that they are hungry RIGHT NOW, I probably would never leave my bed. I hardly ever get dressed in the morning, and I have picked my daughter up from school still in my pajamas and slippers. I can go a week with out showering and brushing my teeth and not even think twice about it. I feed my children meals and snacks, and could careless if I eat more then once in a day. I rarely am "hungry", I eat because I know I have to. I smoke and I do not care. If my mother and grandmother and several of my family members were not alcoholics, I probably would take up drinking just to get through the day.

Even though I am also medicated for my anxiety, I still suffer from it. I do not like going out side, I do not like being around people because I always say something stupid or "put my foot into my mouth". I fear everything. I don't like standing too close to the edge of the porch because I am scared I will fall off. I do not like walking down the sidewalk because I fear a dog will run out and attack me, or that a car will veer off the road onto the side walk and hit me. I fear everything from squirrels to other drivers when I drive. I don' like curtains open because I feel that people are watching me. I do not like them closed because I am scared a burglar will break in and I will not be able to scream and since the curtains would be open, someone, who is watching me, will see the burglar and come to my rescue. I am scared of my gas stove. I worry that it will blow up, same goes for the gas dryer. I am scared that we will have an electrical fire and we will loose all of our priceless possessions. This is just the beginning of what I go through every single day.

My bi polar still affects me, too. I go from being happy, to so severely depressed that all I can do is cry and hope everyone around me KNOWS what I am thinking because I can not speak the horrible things that goes through my brain at this point. I go from being happy to very angry for almost no reason at all, then to deep depression because I got so angry. Now since I am so medicated, I do not reach full bottom out depression on a daily basis, more like weekly.

This is my life. I just try to take each minute at a time as others take it day by day. I will never hold a full time job until I find the right medication combination, and as the SS Admin says, "you are young enough to bounce back". So as I go on living like this, I hope they come out with a super drug that can fix all my problems that are "in my head" and not enough to be considered debilitating. And hey, if I die tomorrow in a car crash, my children can always get social security right? Who cares about the damn life insurance that could help my husband with daycare for the kids, and other things that I do manage to accomplish on a very irregular basis.