Thursday, April 05, 2007


How ironic is it that the same day I receive a letter of denial from my life insurance company because my depression concerns them so they will not cover me, that I get a letter from SS Disability saying that my depression and mental illness is not severe enough to consider me as mentally disabled.

Neither of these two live with me. Life with me is hell. They do not live inside my head. Yes my depression is real, so is my anxiety, and bi polar. I have to live with me. I have to listen to my annoying self. I have to live with the things I think and do. For one day, I would like them to live in my "shoes". I want them to feel what I feel, think what I think, do what I do, to live as I do.

I suffer from depression on a daily basis even on medication. I fight with myself to be happy for what I have, my husband, children, and other things. I want to be happy. I want to do things like normal people do. I want to be the best mom I can be. I try, but I know I lack things here and there, but I try. Sometimes being me, I do not try. I want to try all the time. I live in a constant state of low grade depression. If my children did not wake me up in the morning to tell me that they are hungry RIGHT NOW, I probably would never leave my bed. I hardly ever get dressed in the morning, and I have picked my daughter up from school still in my pajamas and slippers. I can go a week with out showering and brushing my teeth and not even think twice about it. I feed my children meals and snacks, and could careless if I eat more then once in a day. I rarely am "hungry", I eat because I know I have to. I smoke and I do not care. If my mother and grandmother and several of my family members were not alcoholics, I probably would take up drinking just to get through the day.

Even though I am also medicated for my anxiety, I still suffer from it. I do not like going out side, I do not like being around people because I always say something stupid or "put my foot into my mouth". I fear everything. I don't like standing too close to the edge of the porch because I am scared I will fall off. I do not like walking down the sidewalk because I fear a dog will run out and attack me, or that a car will veer off the road onto the side walk and hit me. I fear everything from squirrels to other drivers when I drive. I don' like curtains open because I feel that people are watching me. I do not like them closed because I am scared a burglar will break in and I will not be able to scream and since the curtains would be open, someone, who is watching me, will see the burglar and come to my rescue. I am scared of my gas stove. I worry that it will blow up, same goes for the gas dryer. I am scared that we will have an electrical fire and we will loose all of our priceless possessions. This is just the beginning of what I go through every single day.

My bi polar still affects me, too. I go from being happy, to so severely depressed that all I can do is cry and hope everyone around me KNOWS what I am thinking because I can not speak the horrible things that goes through my brain at this point. I go from being happy to very angry for almost no reason at all, then to deep depression because I got so angry. Now since I am so medicated, I do not reach full bottom out depression on a daily basis, more like weekly.

This is my life. I just try to take each minute at a time as others take it day by day. I will never hold a full time job until I find the right medication combination, and as the SS Admin says, "you are young enough to bounce back". So as I go on living like this, I hope they come out with a super drug that can fix all my problems that are "in my head" and not enough to be considered debilitating. And hey, if I die tomorrow in a car crash, my children can always get social security right? Who cares about the damn life insurance that could help my husband with daycare for the kids, and other things that I do manage to accomplish on a very irregular basis.

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