So a month after my foot started hurting, I went to the doctor. He says I have a planters wart on my foot, and it happens to be on a pressure point, and that is causing my severe pain! LOL He gave me three options, 1) freezing it off, 2) scratching it and putting some acid stuff on it, 3) over the counter wart removal and a pad to go around it so I am not putting so much pressure on it! Ya... I chose number 3 even though he said it COULD take up to six months, but at any time I still have the option to change my mind and have one of the other two done.
So I have had this "padded medicated" thing on my foot for a few minutes, and it feels better when I walk, but kinda burns with the medicine! Is it supposed to burn??
Monday, April 09, 2007
Tired
I am very tired lately. I don't know why, its not like I do a lot. I have been sleeping most of the day and night. Friday, I got up to take Caitlin to school, then came home and snoozed on the couch till almost noon. Luckily, Zoe didn't get into much. Although, she did have something brown on her face, and I later found out it was pudding mix. Saturday, I got up to give the kids breakfast, and went to snooze again on the couch till noon. Then hubby got up, and I snoozed another couple of hours. Sunday, again, after feeding the kids breakfast I snoozed. Today, I snoozed till almost noon.
Why am I so tired? I did decide to put my effexor back into my mornings, in case that had something to do with it. Its been over a week since I started taking it at night (so I remember to take it) but I guess, as they said, it is a "morning med".
I need to get out of my morning sleepy slump. I like doing stuff in the mornings, like grocery shop, clean, get organized, that sort of thing, because it makes me feel good. It feels wonderful having everything done before noon! But I am not getting ANYTHING done because I have been sleeping!
Then there is Zoe. She can not ask for ANYTHING with out whining. Its driving me crazy, and I don't know what to do about it. When ever I ask her to do anything, she says "NO!" and goes running off. I have tried to catch her, and make her do what I asked. That hasn't helped either. She can not start "headstart" this fall because she will still be three in September. There has to be SOMETHING I can do with her, some where she can go, to help me and her with this issue. Do not tell me about parenting classes, because I will not go. That would mean I would have to be around a group of people. No.
Why am I so tired? I did decide to put my effexor back into my mornings, in case that had something to do with it. Its been over a week since I started taking it at night (so I remember to take it) but I guess, as they said, it is a "morning med".
I need to get out of my morning sleepy slump. I like doing stuff in the mornings, like grocery shop, clean, get organized, that sort of thing, because it makes me feel good. It feels wonderful having everything done before noon! But I am not getting ANYTHING done because I have been sleeping!
Then there is Zoe. She can not ask for ANYTHING with out whining. Its driving me crazy, and I don't know what to do about it. When ever I ask her to do anything, she says "NO!" and goes running off. I have tried to catch her, and make her do what I asked. That hasn't helped either. She can not start "headstart" this fall because she will still be three in September. There has to be SOMETHING I can do with her, some where she can go, to help me and her with this issue. Do not tell me about parenting classes, because I will not go. That would mean I would have to be around a group of people. No.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Ironic
How ironic is it that the same day I receive a letter of denial from my life insurance company because my depression concerns them so they will not cover me, that I get a letter from SS Disability saying that my depression and mental illness is not severe enough to consider me as mentally disabled.
Neither of these two live with me. Life with me is hell. They do not live inside my head. Yes my depression is real, so is my anxiety, and bi polar. I have to live with me. I have to listen to my annoying self. I have to live with the things I think and do. For one day, I would like them to live in my "shoes". I want them to feel what I feel, think what I think, do what I do, to live as I do.
I suffer from depression on a daily basis even on medication. I fight with myself to be happy for what I have, my husband, children, and other things. I want to be happy. I want to do things like normal people do. I want to be the best mom I can be. I try, but I know I lack things here and there, but I try. Sometimes being me, I do not try. I want to try all the time. I live in a constant state of low grade depression. If my children did not wake me up in the morning to tell me that they are hungry RIGHT NOW, I probably would never leave my bed. I hardly ever get dressed in the morning, and I have picked my daughter up from school still in my pajamas and slippers. I can go a week with out showering and brushing my teeth and not even think twice about it. I feed my children meals and snacks, and could careless if I eat more then once in a day. I rarely am "hungry", I eat because I know I have to. I smoke and I do not care. If my mother and grandmother and several of my family members were not alcoholics, I probably would take up drinking just to get through the day.
Even though I am also medicated for my anxiety, I still suffer from it. I do not like going out side, I do not like being around people because I always say something stupid or "put my foot into my mouth". I fear everything. I don't like standing too close to the edge of the porch because I am scared I will fall off. I do not like walking down the sidewalk because I fear a dog will run out and attack me, or that a car will veer off the road onto the side walk and hit me. I fear everything from squirrels to other drivers when I drive. I don' like curtains open because I feel that people are watching me. I do not like them closed because I am scared a burglar will break in and I will not be able to scream and since the curtains would be open, someone, who is watching me, will see the burglar and come to my rescue. I am scared of my gas stove. I worry that it will blow up, same goes for the gas dryer. I am scared that we will have an electrical fire and we will loose all of our priceless possessions. This is just the beginning of what I go through every single day.
My bi polar still affects me, too. I go from being happy, to so severely depressed that all I can do is cry and hope everyone around me KNOWS what I am thinking because I can not speak the horrible things that goes through my brain at this point. I go from being happy to very angry for almost no reason at all, then to deep depression because I got so angry. Now since I am so medicated, I do not reach full bottom out depression on a daily basis, more like weekly.
This is my life. I just try to take each minute at a time as others take it day by day. I will never hold a full time job until I find the right medication combination, and as the SS Admin says, "you are young enough to bounce back". So as I go on living like this, I hope they come out with a super drug that can fix all my problems that are "in my head" and not enough to be considered debilitating. And hey, if I die tomorrow in a car crash, my children can always get social security right? Who cares about the damn life insurance that could help my husband with daycare for the kids, and other things that I do manage to accomplish on a very irregular basis.
Neither of these two live with me. Life with me is hell. They do not live inside my head. Yes my depression is real, so is my anxiety, and bi polar. I have to live with me. I have to listen to my annoying self. I have to live with the things I think and do. For one day, I would like them to live in my "shoes". I want them to feel what I feel, think what I think, do what I do, to live as I do.
I suffer from depression on a daily basis even on medication. I fight with myself to be happy for what I have, my husband, children, and other things. I want to be happy. I want to do things like normal people do. I want to be the best mom I can be. I try, but I know I lack things here and there, but I try. Sometimes being me, I do not try. I want to try all the time. I live in a constant state of low grade depression. If my children did not wake me up in the morning to tell me that they are hungry RIGHT NOW, I probably would never leave my bed. I hardly ever get dressed in the morning, and I have picked my daughter up from school still in my pajamas and slippers. I can go a week with out showering and brushing my teeth and not even think twice about it. I feed my children meals and snacks, and could careless if I eat more then once in a day. I rarely am "hungry", I eat because I know I have to. I smoke and I do not care. If my mother and grandmother and several of my family members were not alcoholics, I probably would take up drinking just to get through the day.
Even though I am also medicated for my anxiety, I still suffer from it. I do not like going out side, I do not like being around people because I always say something stupid or "put my foot into my mouth". I fear everything. I don't like standing too close to the edge of the porch because I am scared I will fall off. I do not like walking down the sidewalk because I fear a dog will run out and attack me, or that a car will veer off the road onto the side walk and hit me. I fear everything from squirrels to other drivers when I drive. I don' like curtains open because I feel that people are watching me. I do not like them closed because I am scared a burglar will break in and I will not be able to scream and since the curtains would be open, someone, who is watching me, will see the burglar and come to my rescue. I am scared of my gas stove. I worry that it will blow up, same goes for the gas dryer. I am scared that we will have an electrical fire and we will loose all of our priceless possessions. This is just the beginning of what I go through every single day.
My bi polar still affects me, too. I go from being happy, to so severely depressed that all I can do is cry and hope everyone around me KNOWS what I am thinking because I can not speak the horrible things that goes through my brain at this point. I go from being happy to very angry for almost no reason at all, then to deep depression because I got so angry. Now since I am so medicated, I do not reach full bottom out depression on a daily basis, more like weekly.
This is my life. I just try to take each minute at a time as others take it day by day. I will never hold a full time job until I find the right medication combination, and as the SS Admin says, "you are young enough to bounce back". So as I go on living like this, I hope they come out with a super drug that can fix all my problems that are "in my head" and not enough to be considered debilitating. And hey, if I die tomorrow in a car crash, my children can always get social security right? Who cares about the damn life insurance that could help my husband with daycare for the kids, and other things that I do manage to accomplish on a very irregular basis.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Caitlinisms
Caitlin is turning 6 on Monday. My little girl is growing up! I figured I would share some of the things shes said thru out her life...
Caitlin "Mom" , me "what" *silence*
At Three, Caitlin started preschool. The other kids in her class were "Her Kids" lol, By April they turned into "Her Friends"
4 yrs old "AWE MAN!"
We have had fridge "maggots" (magnets) for several years now...
"Caitlin, what is your favorite color?" "Pink... my favorite color is yellow"
"ZOE don't hug me! Your hugs are too cuddly!"
"Daddy, is your brain thinking right?"
Stuff in our house has a tendency to "pissapear"
Caitlin "Mom" , me "what" *silence*
At Three, Caitlin started preschool. The other kids in her class were "Her Kids" lol, By April they turned into "Her Friends"
4 yrs old "AWE MAN!"
We have had fridge "maggots" (magnets) for several years now...
"Caitlin, what is your favorite color?" "Pink... my favorite color is yellow"
"ZOE don't hug me! Your hugs are too cuddly!"
"Daddy, is your brain thinking right?"
Stuff in our house has a tendency to "pissapear"
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
dreams
I have really strange dreams! I had a dream that Chance told me my website was done & how I needed to get a crap ton of "product" ready to sell! So I felt the need to make stuff today! And thats just what I did! I made a ginormous kit!
Now that I am sitting here ready to type out the other two strange dreams that I have had recently, I can not remember them!! WTH!
Ok time to go off to dream land!
Now that I am sitting here ready to type out the other two strange dreams that I have had recently, I can not remember them!! WTH!
Ok time to go off to dream land!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Hey
Why didn't anyone tell me I had not updated my blog since Tuesday?? Its Sunday! What the heck people?? I know I complain when others do not update their blogs... lol
Ok so since Tuesday... Its been beautiful outside, it did rain, but its been so nice. Spring Break for my kiddo starts tomorrow... If you have any tips on how to get her to clean her room (so she can GO OUTSIDE), let me know. Cuz I am done. I am ready to throw them all away. But I can not do that!!! UGhhhh.
Friday, Kim & I went up to Medford MN to the outlet mall to do a little shopping. I don't think I spent more then $60. The prices just were not right. I am not a name brand person, my kids only wear name brand stuff when A) its on super sale, or 2) when someone else buys them it!!! Of course, you could just about call "circo" and "faded glory" name brands since, well they have a NAME ON THEM. Any who, I can not see spending more then 10 to 12 bucks for one out fit for a growing child that will be out of it in a few months. I wouldn't mind buying Caitlin more expensive stuff, knowing that Zoe could wear it later on, if her size / season matches up, which most of the time it does.
Saturday, I was outside. Doing what? I am not sure, but I spent a lot of time sitting in our new patio chairs.
Sunday, I vac'ed up 100's of stupid box elder beetles that find living on our house fun. We have these black spots on our outside walls, but when you take a closer look, its the damn bugs. So away I went with my shop vac! My husband was nice enough to clean the water out of the vac, and replace the filters! He also secured our gutters with the brackets that I had to buy. They were just blowing in the breeze, well NOT ANYMORE!
What will I do tomorrow? Who knows, probably laundry, and be outside!!!!
Ok so since Tuesday... Its been beautiful outside, it did rain, but its been so nice. Spring Break for my kiddo starts tomorrow... If you have any tips on how to get her to clean her room (so she can GO OUTSIDE), let me know. Cuz I am done. I am ready to throw them all away. But I can not do that!!! UGhhhh.
Friday, Kim & I went up to Medford MN to the outlet mall to do a little shopping. I don't think I spent more then $60. The prices just were not right. I am not a name brand person, my kids only wear name brand stuff when A) its on super sale, or 2) when someone else buys them it!!! Of course, you could just about call "circo" and "faded glory" name brands since, well they have a NAME ON THEM. Any who, I can not see spending more then 10 to 12 bucks for one out fit for a growing child that will be out of it in a few months. I wouldn't mind buying Caitlin more expensive stuff, knowing that Zoe could wear it later on, if her size / season matches up, which most of the time it does.
Saturday, I was outside. Doing what? I am not sure, but I spent a lot of time sitting in our new patio chairs.
Sunday, I vac'ed up 100's of stupid box elder beetles that find living on our house fun. We have these black spots on our outside walls, but when you take a closer look, its the damn bugs. So away I went with my shop vac! My husband was nice enough to clean the water out of the vac, and replace the filters! He also secured our gutters with the brackets that I had to buy. They were just blowing in the breeze, well NOT ANYMORE!
What will I do tomorrow? Who knows, probably laundry, and be outside!!!!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Slow news
I never thought of my blog as being "cutting edge", or "first in line" or anything, but when I posted our pictures of East Park, I did not know that I was ahead of the local news station. "Tonight at 10, we will see the damage done by ice in East Park" ...
Friday, March 16, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
lots to do
Yesterday was beautiful outside. The temp was any where from 47 to 53. I tried to do as much outside as I possibly could. I picked up some dog poop that has been collecting since the first big snow fall, along with some cig butts too. I took some of the staples out of the pillars that are holding up the Christmas lights. I needed to put down some "non skid" stuff on the steps but the temp did not reach above 50 until after I picked up Caitlin from school, and by then, I forgot about it. lol oops
Sunday, March 11, 2007
wow
Ok I know remember why I do not clean with bleach / water mixture. The bleach smell gets to me so bad that my nose burns all the way down to my lungs, and it gives me a massive headache! I did not use the bleach, it was the people around me. We were out at the bar (Vibrations) on a cleaning mission to get things ... well... clean. I had to leave to get some fresh air, but even that did not help. I ended up having to come home and laid down. Four hours later, my head is still hurting.
Yesterday, I figured out what was wrong with my website when I previewed it. It took the clicking of one little check box to make things look pretty. Still working on it to get the rest of the bugs out, and well my perfectionism is sort of taking over in that area.
I am so happy tomorrow is Monday. I feel like Monday's are my "fresh start" of the week. I have not been doing well sticking to my routines, which is causing a messy house, and an even more messy brain. So if I can keep on track tomorrow, the rest of the week will be a breeze.
Speaking of breezes, Mondays forecast is 61 degrees!! WOOT! How bout that! TAKE THAT SNOW! hehe
Yesterday, I figured out what was wrong with my website when I previewed it. It took the clicking of one little check box to make things look pretty. Still working on it to get the rest of the bugs out, and well my perfectionism is sort of taking over in that area.
I am so happy tomorrow is Monday. I feel like Monday's are my "fresh start" of the week. I have not been doing well sticking to my routines, which is causing a messy house, and an even more messy brain. So if I can keep on track tomorrow, the rest of the week will be a breeze.
Speaking of breezes, Mondays forecast is 61 degrees!! WOOT! How bout that! TAKE THAT SNOW! hehe
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Heat wave
Wow it was 39 degrees outside today. The snow is melting and the puddles are getting deeper. I love it! I can not wait to play outside in the grass and flower beds. I want to plant pretty flowers! (and i hate flowers.) Spring is ALMOST here according to the calender and the weather!
BYE BYE SNOW! DO NOT WRITE!
Ive been busy today in Photoshop trying to make pretty things to sell on my website that I can not get up and running. I am having technical difficulties on the building part of it... Some of my graphics are not transferring nicely.
BYE BYE SNOW! DO NOT WRITE!
Ive been busy today in Photoshop trying to make pretty things to sell on my website that I can not get up and running. I am having technical difficulties on the building part of it... Some of my graphics are not transferring nicely.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Website
Ok really... I am working on the website for my digital scrapbooking business! I swear! LOL I just dont want to put it online until I like what I see.. so far, no good. But I do work on it, daily! LOL
Monday, March 05, 2007
School
So Tuesday is late start. Not only is it late start tomorrow, its also early dismissal because it is the "make up" conference day. So I get to bring Caitlin to school at 9am, and pick her up at 12:15. What kind of crap is that?? Its not MY fault that school was canceled Thursday (original early dismissal day) and Friday! Hopefully they will use their "make up day" on Friday the 23rd, or she will have the 22nd thru April 2nd.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
My 15 mins
If you are a devoted reader of my blog, you know that I love FlyLady
She always talks about what you can do in 15 minutes. I recently started reading my book when I am waiting to pick up Caitlin from school. I always get there early, and get easily bored. So, two weeks ago I started to read my book! Ive had this book for a couple of years now, so I ended up starting from the beginning. I am proud of myself for sticking to my reading!
Don't tell anybody, but I actually miss my 15 minutes of reading time on the weekends when I do not pick her up from school!
She always talks about what you can do in 15 minutes. I recently started reading my book when I am waiting to pick up Caitlin from school. I always get there early, and get easily bored. So, two weeks ago I started to read my book! Ive had this book for a couple of years now, so I ended up starting from the beginning. I am proud of myself for sticking to my reading!
Don't tell anybody, but I actually miss my 15 minutes of reading time on the weekends when I do not pick her up from school!
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
No Refunds or Exchanges
Its official. The kids paid for me. I now belong to them. They will be stuck with me forever & ever.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
New Car
I got a new car last Friday! Its a 99 ford tarus. Ive always thought of them being an ugly car. I still think they are ugly. LOL But I love my car so far! The inside is so nice and clean, you can see all of the buttons cuz they are not worn off!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wild West Day
Today is wild west day at school. This is what I threw together in a matter of one shopping trip, seven dollars, and an hour...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
walmart
Ok so I shop at walmart. WHY?? ok cuz they sell shiat for cheep. But good gawd they are starting to really piss me off. Every time I decided that I *LIKE* something, they quit carrying it. This time, its my English muffins. I fell in love with the 12 grain muffins. They were my breakfast, little bit of butter, little bit of strawberry jelly... MmmM YUM!
Grrr @ walmart
Previous items they stopped carrying:
1) soft cat food. it came in a jug. it was soft. deja did not puke as much while on this food
2) anti frizz stuff. I don't even remember the name of it anymore, but I just know, it was the best stuff and actually worked in my hair...
3) the mopping pads for the mr clean magic wand
4) any thing & everything else I decided to like
Grrr @ walmart
Previous items they stopped carrying:
1) soft cat food. it came in a jug. it was soft. deja did not puke as much while on this food
2) anti frizz stuff. I don't even remember the name of it anymore, but I just know, it was the best stuff and actually worked in my hair...
3) the mopping pads for the mr clean magic wand
4) any thing & everything else I decided to like
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Van
Bye bye van. It was good to drive you for the last couple of years. You served us well when we needed you. Hope you enjoy your new owner...
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